Last night, I had just returned home from a huge personal moment. I had regained the joy in singing before and with other people. I had sat in a room full of my trans and gender non conforming siblings and sung songs of unity, pride and defiance. So when I got home, after a joyful cry, I made a pizza and settled in to watch a documentary on the history of rock climbing in Yosemite. I love adventure sports. I have always found them enticing and inspiring. I got to thinking about my love of urban bicycling, of riding like a maniac and doing the things most people are afraid to do with a self assured ease. I began to think about penning a piece on the topic. I had in the past. Even had a blog on the subject. But then I turned to social media. I was reminded of the real struggle of my life. That of the drive to authenticity that has left me and so many like me vulnerable to a very real hate. This poem is a result of that tiny moment in my small life.
They Beast
I wanted to write about urban biking
I wanted to write about the thrill of traffic
From my perch on two spinning pedals
About adrenaline and danger
Taking massive risks
Pitting myself against one ton behemoths
And the petty laws of cis men put in place for my “safety”
About how I know better because
I measure heavy traffic’s motion in milliseconds
I, the they queen of derring-do
But then I woke up to the world around me
To my trans sisters who can’t ride a subway
Without being assaulted
Who can’t walk down the street
Without death threats
Hurled at their faces
I woke up to the days
When strangers tell me
That they hope I get raped
I woke up to the rage that boils in the world
And calls out for my enby sibling’s blood
The very real fact that there is no rest for their weary hearts
No port or potty in a storm
That they can call a safe haven
I woke up too to the fire that we are all filled with
That raises us up
And tells us we are good
Before I transitioned
I learned to ride my bike like a pro
Because I wanted to be killed in traffic
But I awoke to the reality
That I was letting the cis lords win
That I was throwing away
Every part of me
That my loved ones said was so special
I had to face the people
Who would try to kill me
Try to run me off the road
Who would curse my soul
And tell me it was their God’s will
That I burn for eternity
The very same God
Who had supposedly
Put me here
In this trans body
In this world
Where I don’t fit
Where my trans brothers
Are called “faggot” and “it”
What have we done but let our little lights shine?
When do I get to write about
The joy in just following a line
Through heavy traffic
Totally aware of my immediate world
At peace and pumping hard
On my tube steel steed
Where is my opus
On the power in me?
Damn it all if it isn’t in just living the risk
That is my bare existence
Knowing full well
That the next time I go to the store
And some cis lord sees a hint of
My symphony of genderless defiance
proof of my lie
My trick aimed at him
And his sexual interest
And decides it is my time to die
I do not need to race through traffic
I do not need to surf big waves
Or to climb huge walls untethered
Or to jump from those self same walls
For I am an abomination
A monster
That makes the cis lords crumble in fear
Because they are not strong enough
To face their own truths
For fear
Of the truth
That they,
Made in the image
Of the same deity as me,
Are my mirror
I still ride
Because I want to
I still make young cis men
Feel weak and unskilled
Because they know they can’t pass me
Or pass as me
And I revel in it
Because I am a they beast
An enby trans woman
I am too much an angel
To be dragged down to their earthly domain
I found your poem “Today I Mourn” online and I would like to request your permission to use it in our community’s Transgender Day of Remembrance service in Columbus Indiana on November 20, 2016. Please reply here. Thank you.
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Wow! Thank you, I am honored to be included. You have my permission. That is what it was for. If you include my name with the poem will you please attribute it to Bunny Kellam-Scott? As opposed to Chris Jen. I have changed my name but have not made that change on this site yet. And thank you again for asking.
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You are very generous. Thank you. We will attribute it as you request. Again, we appreciate your words and leadership.
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